Going to Wal-Mart Has Nearly Become a Death Sentence

Everyone has been to a Wal-Mart at some point in their life. It has a reputation for being the “go-to” place for just about any object known to mankind. Well, even if you can’t find the exact object, you can find similar objects that you can either substitute for said object or ghetto-rig into a version of the object. Since “things” are so easy to locate here, it is only natural that everyone and their mom’s best-friend’s boyfriend’s cousin go the exact same day that you do when you need that certain item. This unfortunate experience is one many have compared to hell itself.

For this article’s purposes, let’s just say that you have just used up your last can of hairspray and you desperately need more before your date tonight. You would go to the mall, but you see that Wal-Mart has a special sale on your favorite kind. And so the first phase begins- the Trap has been set. They lure you in with their every day low prices that are enough to make you wet your pants with the thought of how much you could save. After you decide that you are not stupid enough to pass that low price up, you get in your car and proceed to the nearest Wal-Mart.

Phase two begins about three miles away from the store- the Battle Field. Suddenly, you are surrounded by cars with women going to pick their last-minute canned cheese for their dinner-party and men getting their baby’s surplus-size pack of diapers before their wife gets home and sees that they have used the same one for a whole day. You grip the wheel tighter as you approach the store, seeing the hunger in the eyes of the drivers around you. You anticipate a show down.

You manage to survive getting to the parking lot with only minor forearm cramps from the steering wheel and a little indigestion from the adrenalin of the race. Your jaw hits your lap as you see that the parking lot is completely full. You grumble to yourself, hoping that you will find a spot if you drive around long enough. But don’t drive too fast, or you will make road-kill out of the brainless pedestrians who are zombie-walking into the store.

            A half-tank of gas later, you spot it. An empty space. Of course, it is the last space on the furthest row from the entrance, but it’s a spot. You shift into third gear as you speed towards the beacon of hope- the last spot possibly in existence. You soon become aware that you are not alone in your charge- 17 minivans appear seemingly out of nowhere and go full force to your destination. Those soccer-moms don’t joke around when it comes to Wal-Mart. With one last exertion of fearlessness, you pull a jousting move and run the rest of the cars off of the road, leaving the spot to you. Success.

            After you lock the door, you begin your journey to the doors. About halfway there, you begin to wonder if you should have brought a nap-sack for the journey so that you could split the distance between two days. Remembering your date, you muster on. As you walk, you begin to notice all the spots near the front entrance open up. Unsurprising. You finally reach the doors- it has been a long expedition, but you feel like a champ. Especially since you are out of breath and you endured 6 different weather changes along the way. You march into Wal-Mart with pride, beginning phase three- Extraction.

            You make your way pass the elderly greeting person who may or may not be still alive and dash straight to the hair care supplies. Of course, you must weave in and out of every person on the planet to get there. You bump into many frightening-looking people along the way, and by the time you reach the isle you need, you feel quite violated.

            You put your need for personal space behind you as you squeeze between the people and their carts hindering your path to your beloved hairspray. The obstacle course has you leaping, dodging, and at times, crawling. You shout out a series of apologies to the people whose cart you just stepped in to avoid a puddle of fresh baby vomit on the floor beside you. With one last bound, you leap from the cart and land right in front of the stock of hairspray. The Hallelujah Chorus is heard in the back of your mind and heavens light shines down on the shelf before you. Grabbing the first bottle you see, you retrace your steps back through the isle and into the hustle and bustle of the store.  

            The length of the check-out lines gave you not only a heart attack, but brain cancer and possibly AIDS with shock. You step into line, preparing for the most boring 3 hours of your life. After a good nap and a round of solo I-spy, you reach the point to where you are able to put your single can of hairspray on the conveyer belt. The woman in front of you, who has apparently set out to purchase every last can of tuna fish in the store and a 74 pack-sack of toilet paper, looks at your sole item with disgust and graciously places that little plastic brown divider between her items and yours. You stamp your foot at the overly-peppy check out person and grab your bag off of that silly bag wheel that they use after paying and begin phase 4- Retreat.

            Exiting the store, you race into the most dangerous part of your experience. This is the part where you are so giddy with your purchase that you nearly didn’t notice the angry drivers speeding full force at your fragile figure with their two-ton vehicles. You scream like a little girl once or twice as you race back to your car on the other side of the planet because you were nearly killed, but at last, you reach your car. Opening the door, you throw your bag into the passenger’s seat and you go to meet your date as fast as your little car and the speed limit allow. You fix your hair with the $2.50 bottle of hairspray along the way. You laugh to yourself, knowing that if the date doesn’t go well, that you can at least give him a Wal-Mart gift card as payback.

            The moral of this story is that Wal-Mart is only for the bravest of warriors of our time, like the soccer moms and tuna-eaters. Also, if you value personal hygiene or personal space at all, Wal-Mart is not for you. Make sure you are up to date on all of your shots and things of that nature. It is important to leave at least a 4 hour margin of extra time while planning your Wal-Mart visit, just in case. Remember to be safe and no matter how much you will want to, refrain from killing people during your trip to Wal-Mart.

Harry Potter is the Best Thing to Happen to Our Generation

Recently, an article was published in a Newsweek titled "Deathly Hollows? Try Deadly Boring." I probably wouldn't have even glanced at the page if there wasn't a picture of Rupert Grint, a red-headed actor who has played the role of Ron in all 7 of the Harry Potter movies (I have a thing for red-heads.) Anyways, the article, written by Ramin Setoodeh, is entirely centered on bashing the film editions of the fictional phenomenon that is Harry Potter. Setoodeh states that "the film itself looks like it was shot under a storm cloud." He later goes on to complain that the leads of Ron, Hermione, and Harry hardly ever crack a smile. Well, in case that he has never read the books, even though he claims he has, the story isn't exactly a heart-warming read. It tells of the struggles a trio of young wizards must undergo in effort to restore order to a corrupted world- a task that takes wisdom far beyond what they have accumulated. The odds are in every way against them. It is meant to be a dismal setting. The purpose of this is to provoke a sense of helplessness that when built to a climax, will produce a more gratifying ending. Any smart author will do anything to break away from traditional story lines as much as possible- and yes, I consider J.K. Rowling a fictional literature genius- so the fact that she makes the plot as dark and twisted as possible makes it more interesting to read.

Setoodeh notes that "you have no idea what you're watching unless you've read the books, and even then you need the Cliffs Notes." Okay- first of all, may I point out that you are a story critic and you are making "actually reading the book" seem like a giant obstacle hindering your path. Just read the damn book. Also, I would like to point out that I have no idea what Cliffs Notes are, so I assume this is an attempt at humor. Attempt failed- I cannot relate to the reference. He then states that "Potter onscreen just gives you a headache." Never once have I suffered a headache during watching Harry Potter, thus, this statement is inaccurate. In that exact same paragraph, he also makes it a point that James Bond's 22 chapters have lost the world's most successful film franchise title to Harry Potter. I'm sorry, were you trying to diss Harry Potter or reiterate how awesome it is? I can understand how he got caught up in it all, though. It happens to everyone.

     In the next paragraph, he tries to bash each of the directors individually. He begins with Chris Columbus- director of the first two films- claiming that movies 1 and 2 were a “narrative mess.” Funny how the movies wouldn’t be as popular as they are today if the two movies that began the whole thing weren’t such a “narrative mess.”  He also mentions the latest director- David Yates. He claims that he suffers from “Peter Jackson disease.” He complains that the cameras rock and quiver too often. From what I saw, the cameras only move in a distracting way if the scene is a battle scene or a chase scene. This type of camera motion actually adds to the frantic emotion of the scene, in my opinion, making the purpose of the scene to the plot more meaningful.
            The next paragraph really gets me steamed. Setoodeh makes the gigantic mistake of comparing the scenes (well, the woodsy setting of most of the scenes) to the Twilight books and movies. I am a twilight fan, but Harry Potter and Twilight are definitely on different levels of awesomeness. Different realms of awesomeness. Different universes of awesomeness. Harry Potter wins everyday, hands down. Setoodeh’s point is that he likes the Twilight movies better for their “giddy, guilty pleasure” qualities. He claims that the love triangle that presents itself between Ron, Hermione and Harry isn’t satisfying enough for his taste and that he would rather see “shirtless werewolves.” He claims that Harry Potter is “too comatose to pull off sexy.” Is that what friendship has come to these days? Is that what the modern day society thinks should happen between 3 good-looking teens out in the wilderness? I personally prefer the darker, more ominous plot points that actually pertain to the story in any moderate way. The love triangle is emphasized just enough- to make viewers predict future occurrences and to feel emotional connections with the story.
            In my opinion, I want Harry Potter to last forever. The directors have done a wonderful job bring to life the world I loved reading about. And critics like Mr. Ramin Setoodeh can try to produce a better film, and then they can go and bash the artistical genius of other directors.