Long Live Christina!

The 2011 Super Bowl XLV’s entertainment staff sought out Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem. An EXCELLENT choice. This woman has been my idol ever since I first heard her sing. She has control over her voice like no one else on the planet. I was thoroughly excited to watch her perform. She marched up to the mike and began. Her voice was immaculate and phenomenal- as always. She did, however, mess up a few lyrics here and there. Yes, it may have been to our country’s national anthem, but so what? She was singing live in front of thousands, not to mention the millions watching her on T.V.. So she got a little nervous. Is that a crime? The girl is talented out the ass. I would probably literally KILL to have her voice. And she messes up one little bit this one time and EVERYONE is on her about it.

 “Come on, Christina. The National Anthem? Really?” they all say. I say she could have done the whole thing in Pig-Latin and I would have still been blown away by her voice. Perhaps it is just the fact that I, being a fellow singer with hopes to become as wonderful as she is, truly appreciate her gift and understand how incredible she is.

It is time for people to see past the humanistic error that she made and not verbally murder her about it. Because the truth really is that she is the best. The best of everyone. And she is human. That alone gives me hope that I may someday be like her. And we ALL screw up royally a few times in our life- we can’t help it. It’s in our DNA. But the difference is that SHE has taken her talent to the highest of levels and she should be celebrated for doing so. Not punished for being just like you. (and by you, I mean the ass-holes who think that they would never make the same mistake if put in her position. I for one would LOVE to see you try.)

The Real Situation

Bam- you’re dead. No, you weren’t shot in the heart with a ’97 revolver. And no, you certainly didn’t drown to death. And there is absolutely no way that you had an unknown brain tumor. You could only wish that you were hit in a head-on collision with an 18-wheeler. And you can forget about old age. So how did you die? You died from the modern-day epidemic of secondhand smoke.

Smokers used to be portrayed as sexy, social gods and goddesses of society. This was back when smoking was in its early days- when schools had smoker’s lounges for children. Everyone who was anyone smoked. That was until 1964, when the surgeon general announced that smoking was found to cause lung cancer and heart disease. But by then, so many people smoked, that no one really paid any attention to statistics. That’s when advertising changed- they started to portray smokers as ugly, yellow-teethed, smelly, and deformed. People now suddenly had a visual aid to accompany the statistics; so naturally, they started to get the picture. It wasn’t until a few years after that when some smarty-pants scientist said “hey, I wonder if cigarette smoke is bad for non-smokers too?” Tah-dah. It is. Or at least that’s what the studies show. You see, cigarette smoke carries carcinogens (a fancy term for cancer-causing molecules) that once inhaled into the body, begin to mutilate your body’s cells into cancer. From then on, you’re pretty much screwed.

So how do you inhale this cigarette smoke? You get trapped in the confines of a building with an idiot who has a nasty smoking habit. The air molecules exhaled by the smoker will inevitably make their way over to your lungs. You can’t avoid it. You can’t dodge these molecules with ninja moves. You definitely can’t pull a Moses and part the sea of carcinogens so that your path is cancer-free. You are trapped and unarmed. You are helpless. You are staring death in the face and you are alone. Terribly alone. The best thing to do at this point is of course to book it towards the nearest exit- sweet freedom- but hold your breath till you get there. And while you are outside, breathing in the gusts of cool, February, smoke-free air, review the facts in your head: You are not a smoker. You don’t want to die from secondhand smoke or worse- live but get a deformity-causing disease. Wait- now you are starting to get REALLY angry. I mean, you are STEAMED. How can this low-life take control of your life like this? It’s not fair to be subjected to the consequences of his bad choice. And this, my friends, is why smoking should be banned. Because you went home that night with a terrible cough. You sat down in your favorite chair with your bag of Tostitos and chili con queso and watched the episode of The Office that’s been on your DVR for the past week. You stared drooling at the screen like a brainless freak while the cancerous cells were developing in your lungs. You fell asleep never to wake up again. You died from secondhand smoke.

Aren’t you glad I informed you before it was your actual reality? You know exactly how you could die. Next time you walk into your favorite restaurant and are asked “smoking or non-smoking?,” just leave. Get out of there. Because secondhand smoke is always on the horizon. Secondhand smoke WILL find YOU.

Don't Settle, Ladies.

Chace Crawford, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, and Orlando Bloom all have something in common- they all have the ability to make girls go weak at the knees. You see, these men embody something of a godly-stature; perfection. Not only do they look as if they have been chipped from marble, but the way these man live and who they are is something women of all corners of the globe drool over. These men are considered to be the elite of the male race; the Ideal Men. These men are gods, thus, unattainable. Women are forced to seek a life partner in a different kind of man; the Available Man. The differences between these two beings are almost enough to make a person wonder if they are even from the same species (If you bear with the grotesque imagery I am about to present in the following paragraphs, I swear there will be a reward.)

                The available man. Please do not get this confused with “all men that you know” because some of those men are taken. The fact that they are “unavailable” does not necessarily mean that they are ideal, so I guess we will just put them in a third category; the Taken Men. The men that are considered “available” are the ones who are currently unattached and will be for some time to come (none of those men who break up with their same girlfriend every other week. Those men are technically “Taken.”) This leaves us with a very distinct group of males who have a generally sad look about them, and usually, a generally unpleasant odor. Men like this have an appearance that might make babies cry and all those who pass by cringe. But don’t worry. I’m sure they get plenty of affection from their mothers. I never quite got that. Moms may just have a thing for balding-scalp-comb-overs paired with grease-stained wife-beaters constricting a beer-belly. Who knows? Let’s not forget about the adorable way tuffs of back and chest hair seem to find daylight in any way they can. And those thin, crusty lips look way better with mom’s lipstick smeared over them after a goodnight kiss, after which the Available Man descends the basement stairs and, subsequent to playing a few rounds of online Battle Star Galaxy Wars III, trudges over to the paisley couch and calls it a night. Yep, moms just can’t get enough.

                All I can say is thank sweet baby Jesus for letting the women of this earth have some eye-candy. What would we do without being able to stare at Teen Vogue’s posters of men like Jesse McCartney and Usher? Those eyes are enough for a girl to melt in. We dream about those bright eyes staring back at us with an essence of longing and passion. How we fondly picture ourselves feeling secure in the arms exploding with muscle, his chiseled body next to our soft one. And when he smiles, his 26 brighter-than-pearls teeth are wonderfully aligned. His skin is sun-kissed brilliantly and his posture is confident and approachable. We want nothing more than to admire the symmetrical features of his figure- our eyes dilating when we look upon the attractive contours. Ah, what a gift.

                The Available man has his own ideas when it comes to appearance. It can be summed up in one word; comfortable. Actually, this is his motto for many of the things in his life, including his job. He bags grocery’s at the local Convenience Mart. He originally applied here for the 25% discount on all food, but he stayed for the 8 dollars-an-hour paycheck with little benefits. It was the best he could do with no college education behind him and no true ambition other than successfully completing his 3000 piece Limited Edition Star Wars puzzle. Hey, at least he gets to meet new people. The 30 second conversations he has with people in the check-out line may be as close as it comes to friendship, though. Well, I lied; his mom has been and will always be his best friend forever.

                The ideal man, backed with a college degree and a promising desire to be the best, landed a job in a multi-billion dollar industry. He has his own office on the 300^th floor with a window overlooking the other towering skyscrapers around him. His boss loves him and so does everyone he works with. He meets with clients all over the world; Italy, India, Canada, Australia, and England. On his business trips, he usually will take his lady with him, staying at a 5-star hotels and eating at the most extravagant restaurants. There is nothing standing between him and his goals.

                Don’t get me wrong, the Available Man has some shining personality traits and talents. For example, he is passionate… about his action figures. Oh, and he can cook… ramen noodles. And he is really nice… as long as you don’t eat any of his food. He will do anything to help someone… as long as there is pie involved. On your first date, after you met on eHarmony and discover he used someone else’s picture, he will buy you the most expensive thing on the menu… at McDonalds. Hey, it’s enough for mommy dearest.

                The ideal man has perfected everything us women like; chivalry, affection, politeness, and class. Don’t be alarmed if you get an unexpected bouquet of roses “just because.” He feels that little things along the journey of a relationship matter, too. You will also never have to open a door while this man is on your arm- he’s been opening doors for women since he was able. Never will you see him belching in public or being rude to you while around his friends. He lives to please you and told your parents so on the night he cooked dinner for everyone at their house. He makes the best Italian food.

                Really, it’s a matter of who you want to be with and who you will be with because you don’t want to be alone. Women go through this dilemma everyday and decide to settle for what is convenient. Well, next time you are sitting across the table from Mr. Not-So-Handsome, get up and find the nearest picture of Mr. Perfect and pretend you are with him. You may seem insane to those around you, but believe me, you are actually saving your sanity. To those of us who will eventually be stuck with one of these “Available Men” – good luck (the alternate path you could take is to become the old cat lady- my personal choice.) And as for you lucky few out there- the pretty models and foreign hotties that these “Ideal Men” seek out and treasure forever- just know that every other girl on the planet hates you and you can go to hell.