The Real Situation

Bam- you’re dead. No, you weren’t shot in the heart with a ’97 revolver. And no, you certainly didn’t drown to death. And there is absolutely no way that you had an unknown brain tumor. You could only wish that you were hit in a head-on collision with an 18-wheeler. And you can forget about old age. So how did you die? You died from the modern-day epidemic of secondhand smoke.

Smokers used to be portrayed as sexy, social gods and goddesses of society. This was back when smoking was in its early days- when schools had smoker’s lounges for children. Everyone who was anyone smoked. That was until 1964, when the surgeon general announced that smoking was found to cause lung cancer and heart disease. But by then, so many people smoked, that no one really paid any attention to statistics. That’s when advertising changed- they started to portray smokers as ugly, yellow-teethed, smelly, and deformed. People now suddenly had a visual aid to accompany the statistics; so naturally, they started to get the picture. It wasn’t until a few years after that when some smarty-pants scientist said “hey, I wonder if cigarette smoke is bad for non-smokers too?” Tah-dah. It is. Or at least that’s what the studies show. You see, cigarette smoke carries carcinogens (a fancy term for cancer-causing molecules) that once inhaled into the body, begin to mutilate your body’s cells into cancer. From then on, you’re pretty much screwed.

So how do you inhale this cigarette smoke? You get trapped in the confines of a building with an idiot who has a nasty smoking habit. The air molecules exhaled by the smoker will inevitably make their way over to your lungs. You can’t avoid it. You can’t dodge these molecules with ninja moves. You definitely can’t pull a Moses and part the sea of carcinogens so that your path is cancer-free. You are trapped and unarmed. You are helpless. You are staring death in the face and you are alone. Terribly alone. The best thing to do at this point is of course to book it towards the nearest exit- sweet freedom- but hold your breath till you get there. And while you are outside, breathing in the gusts of cool, February, smoke-free air, review the facts in your head: You are not a smoker. You don’t want to die from secondhand smoke or worse- live but get a deformity-causing disease. Wait- now you are starting to get REALLY angry. I mean, you are STEAMED. How can this low-life take control of your life like this? It’s not fair to be subjected to the consequences of his bad choice. And this, my friends, is why smoking should be banned. Because you went home that night with a terrible cough. You sat down in your favorite chair with your bag of Tostitos and chili con queso and watched the episode of The Office that’s been on your DVR for the past week. You stared drooling at the screen like a brainless freak while the cancerous cells were developing in your lungs. You fell asleep never to wake up again. You died from secondhand smoke.

Aren’t you glad I informed you before it was your actual reality? You know exactly how you could die. Next time you walk into your favorite restaurant and are asked “smoking or non-smoking?,” just leave. Get out of there. Because secondhand smoke is always on the horizon. Secondhand smoke WILL find YOU.